Sunday, January 17, 2016

I Am Loved Along the Way: Even More So Now

The way I write, The way I talk, is due to this weird fascination and obsession I have with self-awareness. Hahah.
Im also very dramatic and poetic to the point where its down right hilarious!

Appreciation post ahead. Im filled with gratitude.

Lately Ive been getting to know myself more, who I am, what my limits are, what my heart looks like and what makes it go.
Ive discovered and come to these realizations as a result of a few trials, a few tests. As we all do.
The adversary knows where to hit me the hardest. He knows how to wake up that sleeping demon in my head.
Shes stirred of late and I greeted her like an old friend. Then promptly went to war.
The old battle scars opened up and she got a few good hits in,
'You dont matter! You dont matter! You are nothing! They dont care about you! Youre false!' 
She ranted and raved.
Days got a bit hard because she was so loud I started to listen to her a little.
However I did not realise... instead of just she and I on the battlefield, behind me stood an army.
The same way the adversary knew how to wake her up, The Lord knew how to send her to sleep.
Loneliness has a way of blinkering you, so you feel so alone, isolated, misunderstood and uncared for. In my loneliness I was no exception. So I did not see, I did not realise that the Lord would not allow me to fall again.
When I could look around, past my doubt and loneliness I realised I was not alone at all.
This is what they said:

'Its okay to go at the pace youre going. Dont run before you can walk. Thats what the atonement is for'
'Sounds like youre trying to do too much. Dont forget the fog has dissipated but not totally cleared.Some days are dark as ever, but some days you feel the sun. Its okay to be selfish and look after yourself too'
'Remember to balance things and that its okay to say no sometimes. You cant save everyone'
'People wont understand unless theyve walked as you have. So dont feel like they are saying things with full knowledge of where youve been. Take only the positive things into your heart'
'You are your own worst enemy. Thats how satan works these days, makes your perspective cloudy so we dont see how truly amazing we really are. The more we draw closer to god and rely on the atonement the greater the inner peace and in turn, confidence'
'you do what you can do, and what you can do is enough'
'You got this'
'I love you so much'
'Im here for you. Always.'
'You are a good person Bek. You have an affect on peoples lives for the better no matter what youre going through.'
'You change people. You have a gift to reach them, even from a dark place, you reach them and bring them light'
'you have nothing to prove to anyone or have to explain anything. Just do whats right by you and because you have that charity inside you, you wont go wrong'
'You cant determine how other people feel or react. Sometimes youll be ina  situation where being true to yourself will make them react negatively, BUT what youve ultimately done is whats right by you and right by them by being honest. Making yourself uncomfortable for others happiness is wrong. YOU are a good person,'
'youve come so far, youre doing so well. I care about you'
'I miss you. They miss you. They told me that youre the best one out of us. I know you dont feel it or understand, but thats the effect you have.'
'You are so loved'

Alot of it seems silly and kind of funny. But those words sat inside me and beat back the long dark again. Words are powerful things.

Im so loved. Even more so now. Be prepared for some cheese.
I guess what I wanted to share is that, though you feel alone, though you feel like your mistakes and missteps hold the power to throw you over the edge, when you start to believe those whispers in the dark that tell you youre nothing,
Look up, Look around.
I guarantee you arent standing alone.
Your Savior knows you and will never leave you. He sees you with incomprehensible love and will encompass you about with light, even in the darkest of places. There is no place, no abyss thats too deep, too dark, that He cant reach you. Reach up, look up, cast your burdens upon Him and youll be okay. I know it.
You are so, very, loved.